Warfstache: (voiceover) The Slender Man. Once the most feared creature in all of existence...

*Slender Man turns*

Warfstache: a registered sex offender and heroin addict.

Warfstache: 'Scuse me, Slender Man, could we get an interview?

Slender Man: No! NO!

*runs away, his wig falling off*

Warfstache: (voiceover) Where did it all go so wroooong?

Warfstache: Good evening everybody, my name is Wilford Warfstache with the AFC News. I got the exclusive chance to sit down with the world-famous Slender Man...

Warfstache: SO, Slender Man, the former triumverate of terror, the epitome of evil, reduced to a shell of a man, with an ill-fitting suit and a ridiculous moustache. *inhale* Can we lose the fake moustache? You're safe here.

Slender Man: ...I suppose.

Warfstache: Yes.


Warfstache: That looks MUCH better...

Warfstache: SO, Slender Man, AFTER the Rake Trials of '09, you were granted immunity for all your child-molesting ways.

Slender Man: Bu-- but I-- bu-- that's not what happened!

Warfstache: What happened after that?

Slender Man: I... I went to the woods.

Warfstache: Really?

Slender Man: And I tried to... I tried to paint and draw.

Warfstache: But you can't paint at all.

Slender Man: I tried!

Warfstache: You didn't try hard enough.

Slender Man: It doesn't matter, I didn't get a chance!

Warfstache: Oh, what happened?

Slender Man: I hung up the little bit of work I accomplished and Markiplier took it all!

Warfstache: Markiplier! The world-famous and devilishly handsome YouTuber!

Slender Man: I-- I--

Warfstache: INCREDIBLE, your words are that he is...

Slender Man: I didn't-- I never said that!

Warfstache: ..."The greatest person in existence."

Slender Man: I don't--

Warfstache: Let's take a look.

Slender Man: That's not what that says--

Markiplier: Slender Man ain't got sh*t on my swag! YOLOOOOO--

Warfstache: (voiceover) Soon after our interview, Markiplier was hit by a bus. His last words: "You don't need to look both ways when ya got swaaaaag..."

Slender Man: He deserved it!

Warfstache: Whyyyy?

Slender Man: He took everything from me!

Warfstache: How? It was just your crappy art.

Slender Man: (slightly offended) ...It was GOOD art!

Warfstache: It was not.

Slender Man: I hung it in the woods where it was hurting nobody and he took it all!

Warfstache: Oh, it was so ugly, I'm glad he ripped it down. BUT... after that, what happened? Markiplier met his demise.

Slender Man: They locked me up... in an asylum.

Warfstache: Ahh...

Slender Man: And Markiplier and others found me there.

Warfstache: Others? There were more?

Slender Man: There were more.

Warfstache: (intrigued) Ooh, do tell.

Slender Man: I got out... and I tried to teach. I went to a school, and they stole my lesson plans right off the walls!

Warfstache: Was that because you were a child molester?

Slender Man: I-- what? I-- I--

Warfstache: I think that was true, yes, but moving on. What happened next?

Slender Man: I- I went back home!

Warfstache: Ohh.

Slender Man: And they came there.

Warfstache: Yes.

Slender Man: Markiplier cleaned out my house!

Warfstache: Oooaah!

Slender Man: He took my grandfather clock!

Warfstache: Not your grandfather! How did he carry him out?

Slender Man: The mechanics of it are... mind-boggling!

Warfstache: He must be incredibly strong.

Slender Man: I didn't say--

Warfstache: Man, he's the greatest person ever. So strong, AND HANDSOME?

Slender Man: But, I didn't--!

Warfstache: Handsome, too!

Slender Man: I didn't say--!

Warfstache: My goodness, you really LIKE this guy!

Slender Man: What?! N-NOO!!

Warfstache: Oh, may he rest in peace.

Slender Man: NO! I want him to burn!

Warfstache: Okay, so then you moved to the CITY to try to get some escape.

Slender Man: I did. And they all came there, too.

Warfstache: And then?

Slender Man: And then, finally, I turned myself back in and went to prison.

Warfstache: Yes, but you weren't safe there?

Slender Man: No. I wasn't.

*turns to Warfstache*

Slender Man: They came there, too.

Warfstache: As I recall it, we all ganged up on you and beat you to a pulp.

Slender Man: But... I've done--

Warfstache: I was there!

Slender Man: I've never been--

Warfstache: I had an afro!

Slender Man: I... remember-- I DON'T REMEMBER--!

Warfstache: Yes, I did, I punched you in the gonads!

Slender Man: I don't recall!

Warfstache: Warfstache don't mess no sh*t with nobody!

Slender Man: I still owe you for that!

Warfstache: Alright, so after that embarrassing incident... what happened? Where did you go?

Slender Man: I went down to Jamaica and... found myself.

Warfstache: Yes, and that's where you bought that ridiculous wig?

Slender Man: This is real!

Warfstache: Ehh, no, I remember you were bald-a-rino.

Slender Man: I just... I GREW this--

Warfstache: Spick and span, not a follicle to befel.

Slender Man: I just... did a good haircut.

Warfstache: Right, right, a bad haircut every day 'cause you had no hair.

Slender Man: But I didn't--

Warfstache: Oh, what happened then?

Slender Man: I went down and I met some nice fellas who... who gave me this look. They helped me... find my ways and I got new methods of... inspiration.

Warfstache: (sudden shock) Is that where you got addicted to heroin?!

Slender Man: I didn't say that!

Warfstache: There you have it everybody!

Slender Man: *incoherent*

Warfstache: The world famous Slender Man...

Slender Man: No--

Warfstache: Slender-Mon...

Slender Man: "Slender-Mon"?!

Warfstache: ...reduced to a heroin addict and a child molester!

Slender Man: WHAT?! I didn't s--!

Warfstache: So how does this terrifying and influential figure fall from grace? Well first, don't molest children, also, don't become addicted to HEROIN... and also, don't move to Jamaica and wear a ridiculous wig.

*suddenly turns to the Slender Man, who was sneaking up behind him*

Warfstache: F**K OFF Slendy! Warfstache don't take no sh*t from nobody!

*Slender Man walks away, defeated*

Warfstache: My name is Wilford Warfstache, and this has been AFC News. Goodnight.

Blooper Reel

Mark: Guululu, guulululu...

*turns to Wade*

Wade: (as the Slender Man) He deserved it!

Mark: (as Warfstache) Oh-hoh, whyyy? What about all those that YOU'VE killed?


Mark: (as Warfstache) Warfsum just spittle all over himself. Continue please.

*Wade chuckles*

Mark: (as Warfstache) ...and a ridiculous moustache. Please, can we... take it--

*Wade pulls hair away, pulling the moustache off in the process, leaving the velcro*

Mark: (as Warfstache) --THANK you very much. Just to prove my point.

*Wade laughs*

Wade: I don't remember where I went next.

Mark: (as Warfstache) I think he went to the...

*reads notebook at eye level*

Mark: (as Warfstache) ...mental institution.

Wade: (laughing) I just said that!

Mark: (as Warfstache, laughing) I think he went back... because you should've gone there... you son of a bitch! Warfsum won't take shit from you!

Wade: It all started when you drooled!


Mark: Cannot forget such... important details, CAN we?

*looks at camera*

Mark: (as Warfstache) Is that your artistic eyes blinking... Slender Man?

*turns to Wade, who breaks into slight chuckles*

Mark: (as Warfstache) ...IZ IT?!

Mark: Alright, coming out of 'Markiplier's demise'. AND ACTION!

Wade: (as the Slender Man) He deserved it!

Mark: (as Warfstache) Who did?!

Wade: (as the Slender Man) Markipli...

*noting the error, both break into laughter*

Wade: (laughing) Why was that your question?

Mark: (laughing) I don't know!

Wade: (as the Slender Man, acting shifty) N-NO!

*speeds off in a slow jog*

Wade: (as the Slender Man) ...gruhh...

Mark: (off-screen) Run stupider! That wasn't nearly stupid enough!

Wade: I didn't know this was gonna be a stupid one!

Mark: (off-screen) You run stupid! When I want 'action', I want stupid!

Wade: (chuckling, about the wig) This feels like it's falling off.

Mark: (off-screen) Too bad, do it again.

*both reset*

Mark: (off-screen) Ah, my moustache... okay, and three, two, one, action!

*Wade walks, taking note of his surroundings before turning to the camera*

Wade: (as the Slender Man) NO!

*runs spread-eagled down the field*

*Mark breaks into laughter*