The Fall of Slender Man/Transcript

Warfstache: (voiceover) ''The Slender Man. Once the most feared creature in all of existence...''

*Slender Man turns*

Warfstache: ...now a registered sex offender and heroin addict.

-

Warfstache: 'Scuse me, Slender Man, could we get an interview?

Slender Man: No. No!

*runs away, his wig falling off*

Warfstache: (voiceover) Where did it all go so wrong?

-

Warfstache: ''Good evening everybody, my name is Wilford Warfstache with the AFC News. I got the exclusive chance to sit down with the world-famous Slender Man...''

-

Warfstache: ''So, Slender Man, the former triumvirate of terror, the epitome of evil, reduced to a shell of a man, with an ill-fitting suit and a ridiculous moustache. *inhale* Can we lose the fake moustache? You're safe here.''

Slender Man: ...I suppose.

Warfstache: Yes.

*rip*

Warfstache: That looks much better...

Warfstache: So, Slender Man, after the Rake Trials of '09, you were granted immunity for all your child-molesting ways.

Slender Man: Bu-- but I-- bu-- that's not what happened!

Warfstache: What happened after that?

Slender Man:'' I... I went to the woods.''

Warfstache: Really?

Slender Man: ''And I tried to... I tried to paint and draw.''

Warfstache: But you can't paint at all.

Slender Man: I tried!

Warfstache: You didn't try hard enough.

Slender Man: It doesn't matter, I didn't get a chance!

Warfstache: Oh, what happened?

Slender Man: I hung up the little bit of work I accomplished and Markiplier took it all!

Warfstache: ''Markiplier! The world-famous and devilishly handsome YouTuber!''

Slender Man: I-- I--

Warfstache: Incredible, your words are that he is...

Slender Man: I didn't-- I never said that!

Warfstache: ..."The greatest person in existence."

Slender Man: I don't--

Warfstache: Let's take a look.

Slender Man: That's not what that says--

-

Markiplier: ''Slender Man ain't got shit on my swag! YOLO--''

Warfstache: (voiceover) ''Soon after our interview, Markiplier was hit by a bus. His last words: "You don't need to look both ways when ya got swag..."''

-

Slender Man: He deserved it!

Warfstache: Why?

Slender Man: He took everything from me!

Warfstache: ''How? It was just your crappy art.''

Slender Man: (slightly offended) ...It was good art!

Warfstache: It was not.

Slender Man: I hung it in the woods where it was hurting nobody and he took it all!

Warfstache: ''Oh, it was so ugly, I'm glad he ripped it down. But... after that, what happened? Markiplier met his demise.''

Slender Man: ''They locked me up... in an asylum.''

Warfstache: Ahh...

Slender Man: And Markiplier and others found me there.

Warfstache:'' Others? There were more?''

Slender Man: There were more.

Warfstache: (intrigued) Oh, do tell.

Slender Man: ''I got out... and I tried to teach. I went to a school, and they stole my lesson plans right off the walls!''

Warfstache: Was that because you were a child molester?

Slender Man:'' I-- what? I-- I--''

Warfstache: ''I think that was true, yes, but moving on. What happened next?''

Slender Man: I- I went back home!

Warfstache: Oh.

Slender Man: And they came there.

Warfstache: Yes.

Slender Man: Markiplier cleaned out my house!

Warfstache: Oooaah!

Slender Man: He took my grandfather clock!

Warfstache: ''Not your grandfather! How did he carry him out?''

Slender Man: ''The mechanics of it are... mind-boggling!''

Warfstache: He must be incredibly strong.

Slender Man: I didn't say--

Warfstache: ''Man, he's the greatest person ever. So strong, and handsome?''

Slender Man: But, I didn't--!

Warfstache: Handsome, too!

Slender Man: I didn't say--!

Warfstache: My goodness, you really like this guy!

Slender Man: ''What?! N-no!!''

Warfstache: Oh, may he rest in peace.

Slender Man:'' No! I want him to burn!''

Warfstache: Okay, so then you moved to the city to try to get some escape.

Slender Man:'' I did. And they all came there, too.''

Warfstache: And then?

Slender Man: And then, finally, I turned myself back in and went to prison.

Warfstache: Yes, but you weren't safe there?

Slender Man:'' No. I wasn't.''

*turns to Warfstache*

Slender Man: They came there, too.

Warfstache: As I recall it, we all ganged up on you and beat you to a pulp.

Slender Man: ''But... I've done--''

Warfstache: I was there!

Slender Man: I've never been--

Warfstache: I had an afro!

Slender Man: ''I... remember-- I don't remember--!''

Warfstache: Yes, I did, I punched you in the gonads!

Slender Man: I don't recall!

Warfstache: Warfstache don't mess no shit with nobody!

Slender Man: I still owe you for that!

Warfstache: ''Alright, so after that embarrassing incident... what happened? Where did you go?''

Slender Man: ''I went down to Jamaica and... found myself.''

Warfstache: Yes, and that's where you bought that ridiculous wig?

Slender Man: This is real!

Warfstache: Eh, no, I remember you were bald-a-rino.

Slender Man: ''I just... I grew this--''

Warfstache: Spick and span, not a follicle to be found.

Slender Man:'' I just... did a good haircut.''

Warfstache: Right, right, a bad haircut every day 'cause you had no hair.

Slender Man: But I didn't--

Warfstache: Oh, what happened then?

Slender Man: ''I went down and I met some nice fellas who... who gave me this look. They helped me... find my ways and I got new methods of... inspiration.''

Warfstache: (sudden shock) Is that where you got addicted to heroin?!

Slender Man: I didn't say that!

Warfstache: There you have it everybody!

Slender Man: *incoherent*

Warfstache: The world famous Slender Man...

Slender Man: No--

Warfstache: ...now Slender-Mon...

Slender Man: "Slender-Mon"?!

Warfstache: ...reduced to a heroin addict and a child molester!

Slender Man: ''What?! I didn't s--!''

-

Warfstache: ''So how does this terrifying and influential figure fall from grace? Well first, don't molest children, also, don't become addicted to heroin... and also, don't move to Jamaica and wear a ridiculous wig.''

*suddenly turns to the Slender Man, who was sneaking up behind him*

Warfstache: ''F**K OFF Slendy! Warfstache don't take no shit from nobody!''

*Slender Man walks away, defeated*

Warfstache: ''My name is Wilford Warfstache, and this has been AFC News. Goodnight.''

Blooper Reel
Mark: Guululu, guulululu...

*turns to Wade*

Wade: (as the Slender Man) He deserved it!

Mark: (as Warfstache) ''Oh-ho, why? What about all those that YOU'VE killed?''

*drools*

Mark: (as Warfstache) ''Warfsum just spittle all over himself. Continue please.''

*Wade chuckles*

-

Mark: (as Warfstache) ''...and a ridiculous moustache. Please, can we... take it--

*Wade pulls hair away, pulling the moustache off in the process, leaving the Velcro*

Mark: (as Warfstache) ''--THANK you very much. Just to prove my point.''

*Wade laughs*

-

Wade: I don't remember where I went next.

Mark: (as Warfstache) I think he went to the...

*briefly raises notebook up to his face*

Mark: (as Warfstache) ...mental institution.

Wade: (laughing) I just said that!

Mark: (as Warfstache, laughing) ''I think he went back... because you should've gone there... you son of a bitch! Warfsum won't take shit from you!''

Wade: It all started when you drooled!

*laughter*

-

Mark: ''Cannot forget such... important details, Can we?''

*looks at camera*

Mark: (as Warfstache) ''Is that your artistic eye speaking... Slender Man?''

*turns to Wade, who breaks into uncomfortable chuckles*

Mark: (as Warfstache)''... Is it?!''

-

Mark: ''Alright, coming out of "Markiplier's demise." And action!''

Wade: (as the Slender Man) He deserved it!

Mark: (as Warfstache) Who did?!

Wade: (as the Slender Man) Markipli...

*both break into laughter after realizing Mark's error*

Wade: (laughing) Why was that your question?!

Mark: (laughing) I don't know!

-

Wade: (as the Slender Man, acting shifty) N-no!

*speeds off in a slow jog*

Wade: (as the Slender Man) ...gruhh...

Mark: (off-screen) ''Run stupider! That wasn't nearly stupid enough!''

Wade: I didn't know this was gonna be a stupid one!

Mark: (off-screen) ''You run stupid! When I want "action," I want stupid!''

Wade: (chuckling, about the wig) This feels like it's falling off.

Mark: (off-screen) Too bad, do it again.

*both reset*

Mark: (off-screen) ''Ah, my moustache... okay, and three, two, one, action!''

*Wade walks, taking note of his surroundings before turning to the camera*

Wade: (as the Slender Man) No!

*runs spread-eagled down the field*

*Mark breaks into laughter*